umph

I've been wanting to write something here for a while now... Every time I start though, I just can't quite get to the point that I want.  I could blame this on not being able to sit down at the computer long enough for a complete thought to form, but that's not it.  I could blame it on mommy brain, but that's not it either.  My best guess is that I haven't figured it out yet.  Very inspiring, right?  ha!

So many things are coming together and I truly feel blessed to have such a happy baby, to be able to be home with that baby all the time, to have my husband home with us as well and to have healthy pups by our side the whole time.  So what is left to figure out then?

GUILT!

The guilt I'm feeling is not the traditional, "I'm at work and am missing moments with my baby," guilt; it's "I'm giving my baby what he needs and neglecting other things in my life,"  guilt.

Despite the fact that my brain knows I should not feel guilty, it still sits there, in the back of my head.  Floating just close enough that when I have a free moment to drink my coffee or lie in bed before falling asleep, it can attack.  It can turn your stomach upside down and make you feel like you're forgetting something so important; that you're just not doing a good enough job.

In the past almost 6 months our household had a few need-a-new-system/get-organized-asap moments after the mail pile tried to swallow us whole.  I had a few, crap, it's going to take way longer to get projects done, but I successfully got my cousin's wedding invitations done on the planned schedule!  (That was for sure a first for me!)  Jim has stepped it up majorly, doing all of the grocery shopping and most of the cooking, so we're taking care of each other and getting through pretty well. 

It's a fact that there are some things I haven't been able to do like I did before baby, but I won't be breastfeeding my child for the rest of my life (despite what any TIME magazine covers might say) and then there will be time for those things.

Here is where I get lost again... so, what is the point?  What is the problem?

I haven't gotten my umph back... I think that's it.  I want to cook and enjoy it.  I want to talk to my friends more (serious guilt in that department... if you're reading, you know who you are, and I love you, I promise!), I want to want to work out, I want to be silly and crazy before and after the baby goes to bed, not just tired and ready for bed all the time!  I guess that's it... my umph is missing.

I feel guilty that I have no umph!  Thanks for helping me figure that out! 

So my next goal in life is to work on getting out of bed with a little bit more umph every morning!  :)  When I figure out what helps with umph, I'll let you know!